"It is not easy to love us. Many try, many fail. On occasion you find someone who chooses to stay despite your disease, the hurt you have put them through and the constant worry of an overdose - they accept you for you." ----- From Drugs To Dreams
Source: Follower Author: Anon
Every morning I wake up and remind myself that this is his burden to bear and not mine. His choices to make. Not mine. That what I do does not influence him in anyway. I cannot make him stay sober. I cannot make him stay clean. It is his choice. It is his life.
Then for the rest of the day I try to remember all of this. Some days I do. Some days I don't. Part of me always knows it has nothing to do with me. That's the rational part. The other part of me thinks that my actions play a part in all of this. Both of these parts are true in a way.
I knew what I was getting myself into from the beginning. From the first day we met I knew he was an addict. That he carried the burden of this disease. I did not enter into this relationship lightly, but I did choose this relationship, this person.
We met at one of the lowest points of his life, struggling with a marriage that was ending and "friends" he felt he couldn't turn to for help. I was a new face, a stranger who didn't have to take sides, someone who could be there as a friend and just listen while he talked. And so that is how our story started. We were friends and I was there for him when he needed to talk, when he needed someone to understand.
We always talked openly and honestly with each other. I remember the first time he told me he wanted to get high. We texted and talked on the phone as he sat in his car across from an old buddy’s house. A buddy who had the drugs he wanted and that night he went home and not inside.
The next day he told me he would understand if I didn't want to be his friend anymore, if I couldn't handle this. My reply was the one I have always given to him ever since, if I wanted to leave I would. But I choose to stay.
So our friendship continued. We kept talking. I remember every time I was there for him when he needed me. I would text him or talk to him on the phone about anything to help him stay clean and every time he asked me if I wanted to leave my answer was the same - No.
I remember the time he really scared me the for the first time. It was the night she asked for a divorce. We were talking and then he said goodbye and hung up. The next call I got was from his mother, whom I had never met, he gave her my number. The first words she ever spoke to me were, "I don't know what your relationship is with my son and I don't care, please just help him." So I called him and told him to come see me. He did. He slept on my couch with me that night, his head in my lap, and he stayed clean.
The next time he scared me, was one night while texting he had asked me to call him to talk. I could tell something was wrong because his voice was changing and he sounded not himself. He finally told me he took too much of his medication and was hoping he'd never wake up. I left my house that night at somewhere around 3 in the morning, drove to his house and stayed with him till I knew he was going to be OK. Then I went home.
The conversation came the next day like I knew it would. I can't keep doing this to you. You shouldn't be around someone like me. And my answer was the same. I am here because I choose to be. I'm not going anywhere.
He's scared me many times in our relationship. Some more than others. But every time my words to him are always the same. I choose to be with you. I'm not going anywhere.
He doesn't always believe me. I understand that. He has had many people in his life tell him the same things, and they all eventually did leave him. But that is not me.
I always tell him I choose to be with him. I choose this. I could have walked away the first time he told me he wanted to get high. The first time he relapsed. The time he tried to kill himself. But I haven't left and I won't. Because I choose to be with him. I knew from the beginning he was an addict. I knew what I was getting myself into. And even know after all that we have been through, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The thing is, you can't choose who you love. It just happens. And with him and I, it happened. I knew from the moment that we met that I loved him and I would do whatever and be whatever he needed me to be for him.
His addiction is his own. His choices are his own. Good or bad, what I do doesn’t make him want to use. It is part of the disease.
I made myself a promise when we met. That while I cannot make his choices for him, I can help him in any way I can to make the right choices. To help him be happy. To help him be the man that he wants to be, that he can be, and that he is.
From the moment we met I have loved him. And been there for him. Never judging him for his choices, rather trying to help him make better ones. I know he doesn’t see it, but he is a strong and happy man. I have more respect for him than anyone I have ever known. I have heard his stories and to see what he was able to overcome, to be where he is and who he is today, makes me speechless sometimes.
He is not perfect. None of us are. There are days he struggles. There have been few instances where he has failed. But he picks himself back up the next day and starts over. One day at a time. It is not an easy road that he travels but he doesn’t have to travel it alone, because my answer was and will always be the same - I choose to be here, with you. I choose to see the good in you. I choose not to walk away.
He is the father of my children. One his own and one he treats as his own even though he is not his blood. He is a good man. A strong man. If our sons grow up to be even half the man he is, I will be one proud mamma.
He always tells me that I saved him. But I believe that we saved each other.
© Fromdrugstodreams.com 2016
From Drugs To Dreams
Our Stories
Daily Struggle
Share this:
- Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
- Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
- Click to print (Opens in new window)