"An addict will never blame you, only themselves. If they do blame you they are not ready to face reality." -- From Drugs To Dreams
Source: Follower Author: Anon
What is it like to wake up for days feeling helpless and wondering if you could have done things differently? How many days did I wake up blaming myself? I am the oldest therefore it is me that is supposed to fix things. I am the one who is supposed to look out for my siblings. What could I have done differently? The answer is painful, the answer is I could not have done a thing.
I have often heard that it is the addict’s fault they are the way they are. You can believe that until you sit and watch your baby brother struggle with addiction. I was a psychology major. I should have seen the signs. I kept telling myself this over and over.
We had a great life growing up. We may not have had all the money in the world, but we had a mother who loved us, food on the table and a roof over our heads. We had what we needed, what any child would want. Growing up I had my father. He wasn’t perfect but he was still a large part of my life. I cannot even fathom what it would be like to not have him around. Unfortunately that is what my brother and sister had to go through. When it came to them my father checked out. I never knew how hard it was for my siblings, especially my brother, when you don’t have a male figure in your life. That figure has to be replaced. My brother replaced him with his grandparents. We were so close with them, we thought them to be invincible. Then unexpectedly, we lose our grandmother. Our world shatters.
I struggled to keep it together. I decide the best way to handle things is to internalize them, bury them and pretend they do not exist. That was a bad decision but at the time it helped me get through the day. You look at your siblings and see how strong they are, or rather, how strong they seem. Looks can be deceiving. You can’t help but feel that you need to be strong also. As the oldest it is up to you to set the example, right?
Without realizing it my brother’s world is crumbling out from underneath of him. He was rapidly falling to his rock bottom. He put on a face of strength as if he was an actor in a movie. He was the male figure between my sister and me. In his head he had to be strong. I couldn’t figure out how he was so strong with so much hurt, little did I realize he had found an outlet for his pain. Do you see this? No. How can you not see it? His strength was an act, his addiction was his real life, a life that he mastered keeping secret.
One night his armor crumbled. He came home asking to speak to us. He told us everything, that he was an addict and how he became one. None of that mattered. What mattered was the fact the he asked for help. How did I miss it? I must have been a horrible sister not to have seen it. I sat there playing strong, hiding my hurt, being there for him as best as I could. I was by his side as much as I could be. I never revealed the fact that I blamed myself. He does not know how much you hated yourself for not being able to help him sooner. You feel that you failed at being his older sister. You know blaming yourself is silly, but you can’t help it, he is your brother.
Fast forward a few years. He has grown up. He is successful. He has a beautiful family, a great house, and a promising future ahead of him. He has become my hero. He has become everything I wish I could be. Despite the obstacles that life threw at him he managed to overcome it all. His years of acting strong could not even compare to the strength he needed to fix his life. The only person he blames is himself. He has a disease, a very deadly disease with no cure. He manages his disease as would anyone who is sick. Addicts are cunning, manipulative, secretive, and stubborn. They are the best actors you will ever meet. No matter what you say, do or did, you will not break their addiction. Only they can. My brother did just that. My brother is the best person I know and I couldn’t be more proud of the man he has become. I love him and I can only hope that my kids are as strong as he is.
© Fromdrugstodreams.com 2016
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