"A mother's love is unbreakable. All you have to do is ask for it." --- From Drugs To Dreams

Source: Follower   Author: A Mother

All moms should protect their children from anything that will hurt them. I know I feel that way. My son was the sweetest little boy. He always wanted to give me everything he thought I wanted. I wanted nothing more than to give him a perfect life. I raised my children as a single mom due to their father not being around when they needed him. He wasn’t a good father. Nothing my son did was good enough for him. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t do anything right in his father’s eyes. I tried so hard to praise him for the things he did and to build his confidence and self-esteem. But it wasn’t enough.  He wanted what he couldn’t get, no matter how hard he tried. His father’s love and approval. He hid the hurt he felt and kept smiling. When he was about 13 years old, more hurt hit him. His friend was injured in a hockey accident and died in my son’s arms. It was too much for him. I watched the light leave my son’s eyes. From that day he just existed, just going through the motions.

I didn’t know what to do for him. I thought if I loved him and gave him time that he would be ok. Beyond that I didn’t know what else to do. Over time I thought he was getting better. He was getting honors in high school and he received an academic scholarship for college. So I waited but he seemed to disappear more into his hurt and pain. At 17, he went off to college and continued to mask what was going on in his heart and his head. The pain became too much and pushing it inside was no longer working. He found a new way to deal with the pain. A way to make it go away, if even for just a little while.  He turned to drugs. It worked. But each time he used, it wasn’t as successful as the last time at hiding the pain. So he would use more and more and it wasn’t long before he was actively using Crystal Meth. I knew something was very wrong but I never suspected drugs. I watched my son disappear more each day and I had no idea what to do. I hated that feeling because I was his mother and I was supposed to protect him from being hurt. I was supposed to give him a perfect life. I felt I had failed.

After years of using, he hit rock bottom and finally decided it was time to get help. He no longer wanted to live the life he was living. He reached out to the friends that had stayed by him through all of this and they took him home to tell me. He told me what was happening and said he was worried about how I would feel. He told me he didn’t want me to be disappointed in him. I held him in my arms and we both cried. I told him that no matter what it took I would be by his side till he was well.

I blamed myself for his using. I should have known. I should have seen what was going on. I should have seen that he was hiding his pain. After all, I am his mom.

Recovery wasn’t easy. It broke my heart to watch him.  He had lost so much weight that all of his bones were showing. He lost his scholarship and was asked to leave school. He lost his job. I wanted to fight this fight for him. I wanted to shield him from any more pain. While he went to rehab, I decided to talk to a counselor. He told me that this was not my fight, the fight is my son’s.  He told me that I could stand by him but I had to let him do it himself. He also told me that it wasn’t my fault. I tried to believe him, but it didn’t work. I still blamed myself. I should have seen. After all, I am his mom.

It took a long time but my son finally recovered. There were some setbacks but he fought them and triumphed. He went back to college and I got to see the joy in his eyes when he graduated. He now has a great job, is with a loving women and has two beautiful children. He has always told me that I am the strongest woman he knows. Well, it must be hereditary because he is the strongest man I know. He’s a fighter and I am so proud of him. He’s learned not to hide his pain but to trust the people who love him to be there to help him whenever he needs it.

I’ve also learned something. Not from any counselor but from my son. He taught me that it wasn’t my fault that he started using drugs. It was his choice. He taught me that no matter how guilty I felt, there was no way I could have known. He was too good at hiding it, even from me. Addicts do that. He also taught me that no one can give their children a perfect life. I had loved him unconditionally and he knew that. I tried my hardest and that was all I could do.

I am so grateful to have my son back. To see the light in his eyes again and to hear his laugh. To see him happy. I know that this will be a battle that he will fight every day for the rest of his life. But he knows that I love him and that I will be here for him every day cause after all, I am his mom.

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